...I don't know. I suppose I simply accepted it and adapted to it, as I would have wherever in the city laid claim to me. I don't have any personal attachment, but because I live with it, I want to see it succeed.
[liking is very different from making the best of it.]
[she says it quietly, as if someone would overhear, take it and cast judgement, reiterate that she is unfit for this. she can only tell him, because she knows he will not find it a flaw.]
I know. [ he says it just as solemnly. ] It's never not daunting, to have so many responsibilities suddenly placed on your shoulders when you're already carrying this much. But fear and anxieties don't always have to be a weakness. Frankly, if you weren't nervous about the whole thing, it either means you're overconfident with the tasks you have on hand, or you simply do not care. And I know for the fact that you aren't the latter, Emily.
[ she cares too much, in fact. which would probably be a weakness for most medical professionals who need to be neutral in the face of death, but it doesn't always have to be this way. one must strike a balance. ]
Furthermore, you won't be alone in that rank. I'm rather familiar with Ryouma and Mr. Matoba, and they seem to be very good at what they do. All you have to do is ask them for assistance, like how you approached me today.
If you knew how much I have to keep Ryouma from hurling himself into more danger...
[she sighs, but it's an unconscious reflex, seeking comfort, for her hand to find his own and hold it. an anchor instead of getting lost in her own thoughts.]
I know he'll stand behind me. That he'll be happy for me, which I don't know if I can stomach right now. It's...if I trip and fall over my feet as myself, then it's only me that deals with the aftermath. If this happens when I'm meant to keep the rest of the clan in mind, then it means I haven't done my duty right by them. That's what's so fearsome.
[ ahh, yes. ryouma. shylock does like the guy for being very entertaining, at the behest of his own life.
he listens, nods, and moves his hands so that they're covering emily's. she's at it again, trying to shoulder all the duties and be expected to be blamed for them. ]
But that's it, Emily. You are no longer alone, and there is strength in numbers. If you trip and fall as yourself, then let others catch you as yourself. Like how I have you here right now.
[ he smiles. ]
Perhaps this is the Daitengu's way of telling you that you'll need other people's assistance now more than ever. And that it is all right to do that. Other members of the Alliance would kill to be in my position right now, to help the Emily Dyer with whatever she needs.
[looking to him, to that smile, she wishes she could trust it without abandon. in this light, anyone would - with a voice that could soothe away her doubts, gentle enough to calm a spooked heart, and no need for it to be raised. his hands, warm and steady, holding hers and keeping her breathing, in one place. his eyes, the same shade as the autumn dahlias she had paused to look at in the shop window just the other day.(and is that why? had she known, in some thought swimming under the surface, to mark the color?) anyone would trust a smile that inviting, want to touch it just to see if it's real, that this isn't a dream that leaves one weeping because it's over.
it's not entirely a conscious thing, drifting a little closer into his orbit. she could say something bold, could make it sly and quip accordingly and pack up all this vulnerability and trade familiar remarks-]
And what if I don't know what I need? Where do we go from there?
[it's more honest than she meant it to be, and there's the inner desire to push it away, laugh it off somehow - but she's going to let it stand, because she wants to believe him. to be helped, like she's helped others so many times. it might be terrifying, but it's there. not knowing is enough to confess to.
because she does trust him, just not in a way to follow without a thought of her own.]
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no subject
Date: 2022-09-17 08:36 pm (UTC)[liking is very different from making the best of it.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 12:07 pm (UTC)And would you run away, if given the chance?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 08:01 pm (UTC)[not again. she'd lost too many years to running away, and here, where no one knows...she has the opportunity to not make that mistake again.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 12:59 pm (UTC)Then you must know what to do from here. Even if you don't at the moment, it'll soon come to you.
[ if she doesn't want to run away, then she has no other choice. there's no other way but up, after all. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 06:51 pm (UTC)Oh Shylock, I'm frightened.
[she says it quietly, as if someone would overhear, take it and cast judgement, reiterate that she is unfit for this. she can only tell him, because she knows he will not find it a flaw.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-23 09:46 pm (UTC)[ she cares too much, in fact. which would probably be a weakness for most medical professionals who need to be neutral in the face of death, but it doesn't always have to be this way. one must strike a balance. ]
Furthermore, you won't be alone in that rank. I'm rather familiar with Ryouma and Mr. Matoba, and they seem to be very good at what they do. All you have to do is ask them for assistance, like how you approached me today.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 03:55 am (UTC)[she sighs, but it's an unconscious reflex, seeking comfort, for her hand to find his own and hold it. an anchor instead of getting lost in her own thoughts.]
I know he'll stand behind me. That he'll be happy for me, which I don't know if I can stomach right now. It's...if I trip and fall over my feet as myself, then it's only me that deals with the aftermath. If this happens when I'm meant to keep the rest of the clan in mind, then it means I haven't done my duty right by them. That's what's so fearsome.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 08:57 am (UTC)he listens, nods, and moves his hands so that they're covering emily's. she's at it again, trying to shoulder all the duties and be expected to be blamed for them. ]
But that's it, Emily. You are no longer alone, and there is strength in numbers. If you trip and fall as yourself, then let others catch you as yourself. Like how I have you here right now.
[ he smiles. ]
Perhaps this is the Daitengu's way of telling you that you'll need other people's assistance now more than ever. And that it is all right to do that. Other members of the Alliance would kill to be in my position right now, to help the Emily Dyer with whatever she needs.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-26 11:38 am (UTC)it's not entirely a conscious thing, drifting a little closer into his orbit. she could say something bold, could make it sly and quip accordingly and pack up all this vulnerability and trade familiar remarks-]
And what if I don't know what I need? Where do we go from there?
[it's more honest than she meant it to be, and there's the inner desire to push it away, laugh it off somehow - but she's going to let it stand, because she wants to believe him. to be helped, like she's helped others so many times. it might be terrifying, but it's there. not knowing is enough to confess to.
because she does trust him, just not in a way to follow without a thought of her own.]