Is that so... I'm sorry. I'm sure you loved doing it, and you shouldn't have to quit for any other reason than you simply wanted a break.
[ but when is emily never not tired, is the question. ]
But likewise, the Daitengu deemed you worthy enough. You're the one who worked endlessly during the blood rain, and everyone does look up to you for your simplicity and diligence. I could not think of anyone else in the Alliance who is more deserving.
[ he takes a sip of his tea. ]
Now, while you may be right about those things you said about me, we wizards of the West are known as wildcards. We don't like authority, and the authority doesn't like us. We live and breathe as we please, and we easily lose interest. Truth be told, I was greatly opposed of the proposition of the underground takeover a few months back. [ he shakes his head with a short laugh. ] I'd easily turn the Tamamo Clan upside down and destroy it from the inside if I could. But I won't, because that won't be too fun. Probably.
As if she doesn't know. From all I can see, her way is to let you have the freedom you would to act as you please. Even if it would lead to utter chaos and revolt. If you're yourself, then you're acting in accordance.
[looking back up, she's glad he isn't making her feel guilty for the doubts. it's why she had to come to him, spill her heart, because she can't bear to pretend to be not about it yet.]
I have. But I decided not to, because being in the Tamamo Clan has been delightful thus far. That being said, if things turn for the worse, I won't hesitate to turn tail and go back to my bar to resume my usual business.
[ this is exactly why he is unfit to lead. too easygoing, and his priorities can shift at a drop of a hat. such is the wildcard nature of western wizards. ]
...I don't know. I suppose I simply accepted it and adapted to it, as I would have wherever in the city laid claim to me. I don't have any personal attachment, but because I live with it, I want to see it succeed.
[liking is very different from making the best of it.]
[she says it quietly, as if someone would overhear, take it and cast judgement, reiterate that she is unfit for this. she can only tell him, because she knows he will not find it a flaw.]
I know. [ he says it just as solemnly. ] It's never not daunting, to have so many responsibilities suddenly placed on your shoulders when you're already carrying this much. But fear and anxieties don't always have to be a weakness. Frankly, if you weren't nervous about the whole thing, it either means you're overconfident with the tasks you have on hand, or you simply do not care. And I know for the fact that you aren't the latter, Emily.
[ she cares too much, in fact. which would probably be a weakness for most medical professionals who need to be neutral in the face of death, but it doesn't always have to be this way. one must strike a balance. ]
Furthermore, you won't be alone in that rank. I'm rather familiar with Ryouma and Mr. Matoba, and they seem to be very good at what they do. All you have to do is ask them for assistance, like how you approached me today.
If you knew how much I have to keep Ryouma from hurling himself into more danger...
[she sighs, but it's an unconscious reflex, seeking comfort, for her hand to find his own and hold it. an anchor instead of getting lost in her own thoughts.]
I know he'll stand behind me. That he'll be happy for me, which I don't know if I can stomach right now. It's...if I trip and fall over my feet as myself, then it's only me that deals with the aftermath. If this happens when I'm meant to keep the rest of the clan in mind, then it means I haven't done my duty right by them. That's what's so fearsome.
[ ahh, yes. ryouma. shylock does like the guy for being very entertaining, at the behest of his own life.
he listens, nods, and moves his hands so that they're covering emily's. she's at it again, trying to shoulder all the duties and be expected to be blamed for them. ]
But that's it, Emily. You are no longer alone, and there is strength in numbers. If you trip and fall as yourself, then let others catch you as yourself. Like how I have you here right now.
[ he smiles. ]
Perhaps this is the Daitengu's way of telling you that you'll need other people's assistance now more than ever. And that it is all right to do that. Other members of the Alliance would kill to be in my position right now, to help the Emily Dyer with whatever she needs.
[looking to him, to that smile, she wishes she could trust it without abandon. in this light, anyone would - with a voice that could soothe away her doubts, gentle enough to calm a spooked heart, and no need for it to be raised. his hands, warm and steady, holding hers and keeping her breathing, in one place. his eyes, the same shade as the autumn dahlias she had paused to look at in the shop window just the other day.(and is that why? had she known, in some thought swimming under the surface, to mark the color?) anyone would trust a smile that inviting, want to touch it just to see if it's real, that this isn't a dream that leaves one weeping because it's over.
it's not entirely a conscious thing, drifting a little closer into his orbit. she could say something bold, could make it sly and quip accordingly and pack up all this vulnerability and trade familiar remarks-]
And what if I don't know what I need? Where do we go from there?
[it's more honest than she meant it to be, and there's the inner desire to push it away, laugh it off somehow - but she's going to let it stand, because she wants to believe him. to be helped, like she's helped others so many times. it might be terrifying, but it's there. not knowing is enough to confess to.
because she does trust him, just not in a way to follow without a thought of her own.]
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no subject
Is that so... I'm sorry. I'm sure you loved doing it, and you shouldn't have to quit for any other reason than you simply wanted a break.
[ but when is emily never not tired, is the question. ]
But likewise, the Daitengu deemed you worthy enough. You're the one who worked endlessly during the blood rain, and everyone does look up to you for your simplicity and diligence. I could not think of anyone else in the Alliance who is more deserving.
[ he takes a sip of his tea. ]
Now, while you may be right about those things you said about me, we wizards of the West are known as wildcards. We don't like authority, and the authority doesn't like us. We live and breathe as we please, and we easily lose interest. Truth be told, I was greatly opposed of the proposition of the underground takeover a few months back. [ he shakes his head with a short laugh. ] I'd easily turn the Tamamo Clan upside down and destroy it from the inside if I could. But I won't, because that won't be too fun. Probably.
no subject
[looking back up, she's glad he isn't making her feel guilty for the doubts. it's why she had to come to him, spill her heart, because she can't bear to pretend to be not about it yet.]
...Did you think about turning her down?
no subject
[ this is exactly why he is unfit to lead. too easygoing, and his priorities can shift at a drop of a hat. such is the wildcard nature of western wizards. ]
Now. Do you like the Alliance, Emily?
no subject
[liking is very different from making the best of it.]
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And would you run away, if given the chance?
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[not again. she'd lost too many years to running away, and here, where no one knows...she has the opportunity to not make that mistake again.]
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Then you must know what to do from here. Even if you don't at the moment, it'll soon come to you.
[ if she doesn't want to run away, then she has no other choice. there's no other way but up, after all. ]
no subject
Oh Shylock, I'm frightened.
[she says it quietly, as if someone would overhear, take it and cast judgement, reiterate that she is unfit for this. she can only tell him, because she knows he will not find it a flaw.]
no subject
[ she cares too much, in fact. which would probably be a weakness for most medical professionals who need to be neutral in the face of death, but it doesn't always have to be this way. one must strike a balance. ]
Furthermore, you won't be alone in that rank. I'm rather familiar with Ryouma and Mr. Matoba, and they seem to be very good at what they do. All you have to do is ask them for assistance, like how you approached me today.
no subject
[she sighs, but it's an unconscious reflex, seeking comfort, for her hand to find his own and hold it. an anchor instead of getting lost in her own thoughts.]
I know he'll stand behind me. That he'll be happy for me, which I don't know if I can stomach right now. It's...if I trip and fall over my feet as myself, then it's only me that deals with the aftermath. If this happens when I'm meant to keep the rest of the clan in mind, then it means I haven't done my duty right by them. That's what's so fearsome.
no subject
he listens, nods, and moves his hands so that they're covering emily's. she's at it again, trying to shoulder all the duties and be expected to be blamed for them. ]
But that's it, Emily. You are no longer alone, and there is strength in numbers. If you trip and fall as yourself, then let others catch you as yourself. Like how I have you here right now.
[ he smiles. ]
Perhaps this is the Daitengu's way of telling you that you'll need other people's assistance now more than ever. And that it is all right to do that. Other members of the Alliance would kill to be in my position right now, to help the Emily Dyer with whatever she needs.
no subject
it's not entirely a conscious thing, drifting a little closer into his orbit. she could say something bold, could make it sly and quip accordingly and pack up all this vulnerability and trade familiar remarks-]
And what if I don't know what I need? Where do we go from there?
[it's more honest than she meant it to be, and there's the inner desire to push it away, laugh it off somehow - but she's going to let it stand, because she wants to believe him. to be helped, like she's helped others so many times. it might be terrifying, but it's there. not knowing is enough to confess to.
because she does trust him, just not in a way to follow without a thought of her own.]